Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays from Bangkok! I thought this was the perfect time for an update. The holidays are upon us and it has me feeling all the feelings this season.  To be honest, I really thought I would skip over the holidays this year, try and pretend they weren’t happening. It can be hard to be so far from family and friends, and truly get into the holiday spirit. But in the end, it just isn’t in me to pretend the holidays aren’t here.  This has always been my favorite time of year. I love the traditions, the decorations, and all the happy memories I associate with the holidays.  This season will be quite a bit different than what I am used to, but I am trying my best to embrace the holiday spirit, even if it looks and feels different this year.

First though, a quick recap of the past couple months!

We had about three weeks off from school in October and I took advantage of the opportunity to head to San Diego for my brothers wedding.  It was wonderful to be home.  Catching up with family and friends was just what I needed. To have two weeks where I had nothing planned except spending time with the ones I love. I needed it.  It was also nice to have some of the creature comforts of home back. A comfortable bed. It was heaven. Oh how I took my bed for granted before I moved here! To be able to grab my keys and go wherever…also such a gift. In Thailand it is almost a game figuring out the transportation system and while it is an adventure every time, how I loved driving directly to the gym and not being in a truck that stopped every ten yards to let someone on or off! And not to mention the food.  My parents were so amazing, catering to my varying meal requests. Coffee (all the coffee my heart desired…with real half and half, raw sugar, and cinnamon, for inquiring minds), avocado toast, Mexican food, stuffing, roasted vegetables, salmon, ribs, burgers, pizza. I basically ate my way through San Diego and I don’t feel bad about it. Not one bit! I dream of those meals now that I’m back.

To be fair though, it wasn’t all easy.  It was at times difficult being home.  Knowing it wasn’t permanent (but in the end what really is?).  Facing what has become a somewhat dreaded question, “what’s next?” Trying to explain what living in Thailand has been like.  Don’t get me wrong, I am meant to be in Thailand right now, I know it.  But it is not always easy living abroad.  Missing family and friends, missing big life events of friends.  There are more times than I can count, that I am caught between being so grateful for this opportunity, and also wondering what the heck I’m doing here? This was never part of my plan.  I think that is a huge part of the reason I am here though. To let go of whatever plans I had, and to just live. To be present. To not be caught up in all the thoughts of what I should or shouldn’t be doing. To let go of comparing my life to anyone else. Comparison, in my mind, kills all joy. It immediately makes me feel less than, not good enough, undeserving. It is hard to describe these things though, especially when I feel like I should only have amazing stories to tell.  There’s that “should” word again though. 

I landed back in Bangkok on Halloween. Before I left I made sure to pack my weekends for the month of November. I didn’t know how I would feel coming back but I knew plans with friends would ease the transition.  And that it did😊 I spent my first weekend back helping a friend celebrate her birthday in Ko Samet. It was exactly what I needed. A weekend catching up on everyone’s holiday travels, relaxing at the beach, and laughing…always lots of laughing.  The following weekend I helped out with our school’s English Camp. That was entertaining to say the least. Then it was a weekend in Bangkok with friends. We treated ourselves to a nice hotel, a dinner cruise on the river, and relaxing at the pool.  That also happened to be the weekend before Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was spent grabbing dinner in the city with co-workers. It was fun to do something different but I certainly felt the pangs of homesickness. My birthday was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I headed to a National Forest outside of Bangkok with some friends. I faced some serious insect fears as we explored caves and learned all about the local critters. As always, it was quite the adventure getting there and there were far more bugs than any of us anticipated. But, as always, we laughed our way through the trip and had an amazing time. 

Now here we are, the first weekend of December. Once I made a conscious decision to embrace the holidays as best I can, I was on a mission to find a Christmas Tree.  There are few things I love more about this time of year, than a Christmas Tree all lit up.  Being able to sit in the early morning hours with it lit up, watching a show or listening to Christmas music makes my heart so full. It brings back so many wonderful memories. So today I set out to find a tree.  I found the perfect little tree for my apartment, picked out some ornaments, and headed back to my place, excited to decorate.  I treated myself to a latte from 7-11, some chocolate chip cookies (clearly I worked hard at setting the mood), I turned my AC on to frigid levels to emulate a chilly December day (and to forget the 90 + degree heat I just trekked around in), turned on some Christmas music, and set out to decorate my Christmas Tree. My tree brings me a lot of joy.  I’d be lying if I didn’t  say I cried a bit as I stepped back and looked at my little home.  A moment of realization that I am doing this. I am living in Bangkok and for the first time, maybe ever, I am really taking care of myself. Listening to what my heart wants, and having the courage to follow through.  And... It was hard. To do this alone. To know I will miss doing this at home with my family. To think about my friend and her family. To think about this year. Anyone else ever struggle with being bombarded by competing emotions? Trying to hold happiness and grief, and allowing it all to be ok just as it is? Well, I do. Pretty frequently it seems.

This time last year, I would never have imagined that this is where I would be today.  So much has happened in these last twelve months. It is hard to articulate my feelings about how this amazing journey, this incredible adventure, comes on the heels of my hardest, most challenging days…emotionally, spiritually, physically. I left San Diego in June feeling so depleted. Questioning everything. But with months of time to reflect, to process, and months ahead of me to continue this healing process, I can’t help but feel so very grateful. For my family. For my friends; both old and new. And for this adventure.

As the holiday season gets into full swing, I continue to commit myself to embracing the holiday spirit and enjoying the similarities and differences in celebrating them Thai style. I also promise to provide myself with an extra dose of  grace and compassion when it feels tough. Tough being away from home, from family and friends. Tough navigating the feelings of living abroad. Because in facing the tough feelings, the tough memories, I believe that that is where my growth occurs.

With that, thank you for dropping by to see how things in Thailand are going💓 Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Wishing you and yours a magical holiday season🎄🎉

Lots of love,

Elizabeth