Embracing Change...
I landed in
Bangkok two months ago today. It is hard to believe that I have been living
here for two months. The time has flown by.
I have met some of the most amazing people, resulting in some incredible
friendships that, without this trip, I likely never would have formed. I have done some travelling, which was also
on my list of things to do while living here. And most importantly, I started
teaching.
When I said
“goodbye” to family and friends at home, there were tears because I knew I was
leaving behind everything I knew, those I love the most, and a life that I knew
would be changed by the upcoming experiences. I have always struggled with
change but somehow it felt the only way for me to really move forward, was to
change everything; at least for a period of time. The tears were coming from
what felt like a place of loss and grieving… from a young age I thought my life
would look a certain way; that I would reach milestones at my designated
timeframes. I met some, and others I have realized, there is no time frame,
especially not the rigid ones I had set. Coming to Thailand, was in many ways
me coming to a place of acceptance…that life is not easy, nor fair but we are
tasked with making the best of the circumstances. So, I did some serious soul
searching, chucked my rule book out the window, and for the first time (maybe
in my life) I said “yes” to finding joy, seeking out adventure, and doing so in
what felt like a completely unconventional way, but true to myself. And so,
while the first six months of this year were the most painful I have ever
experienced, I took all the conversations I had with Chom, I channeled a
serious amount of the courage and bravery she displayed daily, and said “see
you later!” to everything I knew and embraced a life change on every single
level.
The first
month in Thailand I spent completing a TESOL program so that I would be better
qualified to teach English as a Second Language. That first month was spent in
Hua Hin. Days were filled going to class, which I loved. Evenings in Hua Hin
were spent completing homework assignments or group projects and then quickly
dashing out to the Night Market or across the street to local food vendors for
a bite to eat.
I have
missed school these last ten or so years (hard to believe it’s been that long) and
although it was only three weeks, it was fun to be back in the classroom. One
of the questions I had before coming to Thailand, was “do I want to go back to
school?” I still don’t have my answer to that. In some moments I think, yes, I
would love to go back to school and try out another career. And in other
moments, I think there is still so much I can do with my educational background
without incurring the cost of student loans…so, that is all still to be
determined.
Although I
enjoyed going to class (for the most part), my favorite times in Hua Hin were
random adventures to the Night Market with friends to grab food, have a
margarita, and a 30-minute foot massage (about $3-4!);
For sanity’s
sake, I have mentally broken down my adventure into chunks of time. Maybe this
is weird (story of my life) but it has helped me to compartmentalize when
needed. It helps me with perspective…nothing lasts forever, not the amazing
moments and not the extraordinarily painful ones. This practice has helped me
to stay present in each moment (or at least try) so that when I am having a
wonderful time, I am soaking it up, just “being” in that moment. And in the
tough moments, I have perspective that this feeling won’t last forever, and it
becomes a reminder to breath and look for the lesson, because there is always a
lesson to be learned.
Once I made
the decision to come to Thailand, I made it a habit to talk about it frequently
to those closest to me. It helped me build up momentum and courage to take this
leap. People would frequently ask, “are you counting down the days until you
leave?” My answer, yes and no. But more frequently “no.” Because what I am
learning is the adventure is the journey.
I knew I would be leaving an amazing team at my clinic, I knew I was
closing one chapter on living in Down Town San Diego, walking distance to some
of my closest friends, and countless memories. When Chom died, it was as if
everything in life began to feel fleeting…that I had already wasted so much
time being too afraid to do something or too anxious to make a necessary
change. Once I made the commitment to come here, I quickly began to feel like I
needed to live every, single, moment. Because when else will I get rid of all
my things, quit a job not having another one lined up, move back in with my
parents (beyond grateful for their support, for my family’s support), and then
move half way around the world? The likelihood, is never. Well, except for moving back to the
States…but the game plan is hopefully to have a job lined up upon arrival, so
May 2018, if you’re hiring?!!
The next
chapter was Hua Hin. Which was incredible. I met some amazing friends, that
have since become the best travel companions a girl could ask for. So, saying
“goodbye” to them in Hua Hin was much harder than I anticipated. Before I came
here, I naively thought leaving my first Thailand home would be easy. I told myself,
“Oh I’ll have only known them a month, I’ll be ready to go off and start
teaching.” Wrong. On so many levels. The time in Hua Hin was such a period of
healing for me. It was a period of
meeting new people and hearing their stories, sharing my own; all of us being
vulnerable enough, honest enough to share our fears and insecurities about this
massive change we had just made. Saying
goodbye to them was anything but easy. Compounding that, was knowing I was
heading off to a part of Thailand I had never heard of, to live on my own, and
to start a new career (however brief or lengthy it may end up being).
But, more on
that next time.
Lots of love
always,
Elizabeth
<3 Love how you write
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